Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
