i just wanna soil my oats bro
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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