just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
