I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
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Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The power of my boobs compel you
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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