I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
