Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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