2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
