my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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