According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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