Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
