Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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