I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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