im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
