And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
