I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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