i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
