i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
