I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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