I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I forget how to act sober
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