Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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