Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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