woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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