I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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