Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
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Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
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Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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