just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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