i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
