Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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