I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
