Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's blow job season.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
