my phone needs a breathalizer
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Couch. On fire.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
