Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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