if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
