If i come over, it means nothing
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hippo gnu deer
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
