My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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