remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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