Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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