fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
