I CAN MOONWALK!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
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He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
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Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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