Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
