If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
