i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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