I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
