Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
How naked do you want me to be?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
