my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
