Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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