Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
