The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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