I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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