She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
