he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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