So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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