Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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