It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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