You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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