i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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